New Political and Election Rules Announced Today

Earlier today, an independent politics and election committee released new rules that will apply to all local, state and federal elections for the next two years. The rules, designed to bring truth and transparency to all areas of government, have been bitterly opposed by virtually all elected officials, lobbyists, PACs, candidates and political consultants. In other words, they are good for the citizens of the United States.

A brief rundown of the new rules:

• Akin to the racing suits worn by NASCAR drivers, all elected officials must wear the logos of the corporations, PACs and individuals from whom they have received more than $99.99.
• All speeches given in state or federal legislative sessions must be preceded by a reading of the names and funders of any lobbying they have received on the subject.
• On the state and federal administrative level, all policy proclamations, proposed legislation and bill signing must be preceded by the same type of reading described above.
• All meetings held with lobbyists, PACs and donors of more than $99.99 must be held in public and in accordance with the requirements of the State of California’s Brown Act.
• All public comments by elected officials and those who seek elected office are subject to real-time fact-checking and voice-over response to any given assertion. (For example, if President Obama, Gov. Perry, etc. were to claim something that was not true, they would be immediately corrected for all to hear.) If they are found to be claiming something that is factually untrue, the speaker will be given 10 seconds to retract the statement, or be subjected to a firm rejoinder of, “Liar, Liar.”
• All elected officials are to hold regular office hours where any member of their constituency may phone in for quick chat, regardless of their financial holdings or lack thereof.
• One year prior to each election, an independent committee will publish a “Promises Report Card” grading each elected official on their performance vs. the promises they made during their previous election cycle. This will give them a year to either deliver on their promises, or explain why they did not, prior to their next election. Candidates failing to address the success/failure of their promises will be disqualified from the race.
• Any candidate who cannot pronounce the word “nuclear” correctly is banned from seeking office.