Latest census figures show that about 40 percent of women and almost 15 percent of men 65 and older have lost their spouse to death. In some cases the surviving spouse can live for decades beyond the loss. This provides unprecedented insights into living after a beloved partner has died. Information gathered about this could change our understanding of grief.
Most of us are familiar with the five stages of grief, outlined by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross M.D. a pioneer in the field of death and near-death studies. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have heard of some studies that indicate they are not as straightforward as perhaps we first thought they were. We can actually travel between the stages in any order possible. Sad one day, lighthearted the next, the stages do not necessarily follow a linear progression.
I experienced days where I went through all of the stages and over time, the intensity and duration of those stages lessened.
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I’ve also heard that new findings suggest that grief is not a constant condition. According to a study by a clinical psychologist at Teachers College, Columbia University, the basic symptoms of grief had diminished significantly within six months for about half of the participants. In some situations, surviving spouses, although they still felt the loss, were experiencing a sense of normalcy within 18-36 months.
As a man I have come across a variety of beliefs and attitudes about the question of who suffers the loss most: men or women? I’m not sure how to accurately gauge results for this question as women are more likely than men to see help for depression and, statistically speaking, there are more widows than there are widowers to study.
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Personally, I think it’s an individual, non-gender based experience that has more to do with whether or not you were the caregiver, had time to come to terms before the loss occurred, and had access to helpful resources and support.
J. Dietrich Stroeh is author of Three Months: A Caregiving Journey from Heartbreak to Healing (FolkHeart Press). For more information, visit www.threemonthsbook.com.
