Everybody keeps talking about the fiscal cliff coming up at the end of the year and how it's going to change the lives of millions of Americans if we don't extend the tax holidays for millionaires. Our world will come crashing down all around us, and life will never be the same.
Well, guess what? While we were worrying about the fiscal cliff, we went over a bigger, more important cliff.
They stopped making Twinkies.
This is huge. Without our favorite junk food, what are we going to eat, fruits and vegetables?
It gets worse. If we eat healthy, we'll live longer, and Social Security will run out of gas faster than a Hummer.
Our kids will be lighter on their feet, and actually WALK to school, destroying our excuse to buy that huge chrome tank with their college money. All of the diabetes supply businesses will see a 80 percent drop in revenue, the Internet will collapse without the support of online porn if wives start dipping under 200 pounds, and Viagra will go out of business. The XXL clothing outlets will close, and kids will have to play sports instead of stuffing themselves with these artery bombs.
Look, man is the only animal that eats when he's not hungry, and we need that difference to remind us that we're in charge. I've seen people in their 90s (they're usually European) and I'm not sure I want to look like that. I want to do my kids' future a favor and have my 80th birthday with Elvis.
Anybody else feel like this?